Ah, roommates. You think you know a person, and then you move in with them. Whether it’s your significant other, best friend or complete stranger, there’s just something especially awkward that goes along with living with someone. You throw everything you thought you knew about that person out the window and actually see them for who they are: disgusting.
People do some weird stuff when they’re alone, so when you live with someone, you have the joy of receiving the full-on blow of their weirdness. Just how weird are we talking here? I bet you’ve heard horror stories. Luckily for you, I’ve compiled some of the best (worst?) stories from people who thought they knew someone well…until they moved in together. Because nothing brings us closer together than getting up close and personal.
I once had a roommate who loved going to sleep with socks on. No big deal, cold toesies, I get it. Sometimes we all just need to warm up a bit. But throughout the night, she would get a little too warm and end up taking her socks off as she was sleeping. Within her dream-like state, she would crumple her socks up and stick them (where?) you guessed it...under her pillow.
Here’s where things got really interesting: She slept on the top bunk of our bunk bed. So when her socks went under her pillow, and she rolled around at night, her socks would fall off the bed and down on to my face. What a sweet-smelling surprise to wake up to in the morning.
The number one reason for roommate troubles? Food, food and more food. Not only do they steal your food, eat your food and not clean up their food, but food can get personal pretty quickly. Shall we tell the story of the chocolate bunny? Once upon a time, a good friend of mine went to her hometown to celebrate Easter with her family. She returned to her living quarters with a plethora of candy, all of which she said roommates could eat, except for one important piece: her chocolate bunny.
She loved that bunny more than she loved some humans, so her request rang loud and clear…until one roommate missed it. One day, my friend came home to find her chocolate bunny dismembered, decapitated and desecrated. There was barely any bunny left, and the roommate’s cold, dead heart felt no remorse.
Well, he’s a joker, he’s a smoker, he’s a midnight...talker? There’s nothing quite as terrifying as waking up at 2:00 in the morning to your husband having a conversation with an invisible person. Before living together, I had no idea my husband could be such a chatterbox. He’s a pretty quiet guy most of the time, but for some reason the moment he shuts his eyes he lets the conversation flow.
One prime example was the night I awoke to, “You can’t put that on your food.” I perked my ears up, interested to hear what was coming next. “No, you can’t put toenails on your food. Even animals won’t eat that.” Good point, husband. Good point.
Even scarier than talking, though, is the laughter. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to a deep voice laughing next to you? Yeah, no thanks. No heart attacks for me, please.
Let’s be real: Men and women have some differences. But one thing they can always find in common is their disgusting living habits. Men have been known to leave rotting food around, facial hair in the sink and underwear literally everywhere. And can we talk about the smell? Do they know it exists, or is it just detectable to women?
On the other hand, women somehow find a way to leave their hair on every surface that ever existed. Kitchen floors, shower walls, bathroom sinks, couches—where there is an object, there is a wad of long hair just waiting to cling to it. Don’t even get me started on the piles of makeup by the sink or the bras that somehow never make it into the hamper.
Finally, the quickest way to realizing you and your roommate have reached a new level of comfortability: the farting. Sure, farting is healthy, but do you have to be that healthy? We’re talking every 30 minutes here, people. The “fart machine” roommate releases farts on whim. At first it’s funny, but soon it becomes disturbing. I mean, most are okay, but the squishy ones… those have to stop.
The truth is, none of us are the perfect roommate. While your roommates may drive you nuts sometimes, you probably drive them nuts too. Things get weird when you think you’re alone, and now you always have someone there to be alone and weird with you.
There’s lots I didn’t know that I didn’t know before moving in with someone, yet here I am. Surviving. Thriving. Embracing the disgusting weirdness that is living together.